Kara Gordon

Returnings

A fortnightly letter to the people going at 100 miles an hour, perspectives on the less glamorous parts of life that are on our minds. Subscribe here.

Just Another Day

Today is the first day of 2018. It’s a Monday, the first day of the week, and that is satisfying. A reset day for a reset year.

I enjoy reflecting on the past year and setting intentions for the year ahead. I enjoy coming back to these throughout the year and seeing how my path has changed or how it remains the same. In 2016, I decided I wasn’t going to move. I moved and it was the best decision I could have made. In 2017, I made myself that same promise and kept it. It was the best decision I could have made. At the beginning of 2016 I swore off men and fell in love. At the beginning of 2017 I was in love and then I stayed in love, but 2017 was also the year my heart was broken and I wanted to punch all of the men I love and adore in the face. 2017 was a hard year to be a woman.

The past year can be best summed up as a constant hum of dissatisfaction, uneasiness, and uncertainty. I was in the Right Place with the Right People but I couldn’t escape the feeling that I need to do something, move forward with anything. I am an anxious and depressed person by nature but at some point my internal alarm simply ran out of battery. At first I thought it was the political climate, and it was partly that, but I marched and I yelled and the gnawing feeling remained. The Right Place was still the Right Place, but I was not the Right Person for that place, so I had to become that person. Some of the Right People became the Wrong People and some of the Wrong People were perhaps the Right People. Time will tell.

I hate neat stories in fiction. They should be messy and uncomfortable and jarring. Nothing is more dissatisfying than a story where everything works out. But in my own life, I prefer pretty bows with a beginning, middle, and end. Maybe it’s delusional, but I’m a believer in the significance of beginnings: ask me sometime to tell you the story about how I met someone—anyone—I love. Even more important, I believe in saying goodbye well: I’m sorry, thank you, I love you. Few things make me angrier than a bad goodbye. I began 2017 in Berlin and said farewell in Lisbon. Two new, beautiful cities with my two wonderful parents. I hated 2017, but I like the symmetry.

As I wave a happy goodbye to 2017 and welcome 2018 with skeptical optimism, I look on either side of me and realize I am not at a point of beginning or ending. I am smack dab in the middle. Who knows what lies ahead?

Happy new year,
Kara

Kara GordonComment